The "C" Word

How do I begin? Where do I start? 

This thing..this disease has caused my family too much hurt, too much heartache. To quote a dear friend, "I have a bad attitude towards cancer," and so does the rest of our clan. Lung. Brain. Breast. The parts of our bodies that allow us breath, thought, love....the most quintessential pieces of ourselves can be ravaged by this one vicious enemy, this cancer. 

This thing...this disease has brought us down to our lowest lows. It has enhanced our worst qualities. Warning: ferocious when hungry (and sad.) Warning: no sound train of thought, (especially during tough times.) Warning: emotionally unstable, might burst into tears at the drop of a hat, (or the sight of a pink ribbon.) It takes away the strength of those it latches onto, this cancer. 

This thing...this disease has left us feeling hopeless one too many times. I have felt angry at cancer more times than I can count. We have all felt angry at cancer. We're a big, angry-at-cancer army. Angry. Hopeless. Heartbroken. The most fearless of fighers can feel cowardly in the shadow of this one contemptible condition, this cancer.

This thing...this disease has stolen from us. It has stolen some smiles. It has stolen some time. It has stolen some lives. It is a thief that is often unable to be caught. Stop stealing from us! It is a criminal for which there is often no reckoning, this cancer. 

We're lost. We're broken. We're angry. We're missing pieces, but......

But. 

We, who are lost, who have lost our breath, thought and love to cancer can be found.

We, who are broken, who are exhausted by the less-than-charming characteristics cancer brings out, can endure.

We, who are angry, who are an army of utterly and fervently ticked-off-at-cancer people, can find peace.

We, who are missing pieces, who are left with fragments of smiles, of time, of memories, can find a way to become whole.  

But, how? 

It's only through each other. It is only with the help of those closest to us that we can take our lost, broken, angry pieces and put them together to become something whole, and something good. It is only through hugging at the dinner table, that we can squeeze away the heartache. It is only through shared  smiles-through-tears that we can, eventually, see a rainbow through a perpetual dark cloud. It is only through a firm resolve to find delight in every day, in every teeny-tiny blessing, that we can erase the anger.

Our lost-ness makes us brave. Our brokenness makes us durable. Our anger makes us determined. Brave enough to face another day of fighting. Durable enough to make a lasting impression of love on everyone surrounding us. Determined enough to keep sticking out that stubborn chin that we're all famous for, to show "the 'C' word" that we're going to find happiness and blessings amidst the chaos it has caused.

Woven together, our bravery, our endurance, our determination creates a 1000 count cotton sheet of support. Support that will be sturdy enough to catch us when we fall. Support that will be delicate enough to know when it's okay for us to just say nothing. Support that will be warm enough to comfort us even in the most discomforting of times. Support that comes from friends, from family and from faith. Support that stems from smiles. Support that grows and grows and grows with each passing day. Support that emerges when we pray. When we pray out loud, when we pray together, and when we pray silently for peace, for comfort, and for joy to head in the direction of those who have been hurt by cancer...that is when our finespun sheet of support is felt the most. 

So, keep being brave. Keep enduring. Keep being resolved to find the good that God has given us. Keep praying. Through our friends, through our family and through our faith, we press on, and we 

stay strong.

How Not to Chill

I have quite possibly the worst air-travel playlist imagineable. I have entitled this playlist "Chill" because it's supposed to, you know, help me chill...so anyways, it's a great playlist for if you're relaxing in a hammock like I was earlier this week, but it's just not so great for a day spent in airplanes.

Let me explain: I arrived at the Muscle Shoals airport (a miniscule airport - I was catching a hopper flight to Nashville, where I'd then fly with Southwest to Cleveland) at 5:00am, with a carry-on and a personal item (milking each for all they were worth) and my oh-so reliable boyfriend who patiently walked me inside and sat with me while I waited for the TSA people to open up shop! You know it's early when the TSA people aren't even ready for you. We watched some informercials on TV, with a few sporadic minutes of news in between. Coincidentally, one of the nice TSA people was one of my sorority sisters' dad, and he noticed I was wearing my Phi Mu letters so I chatted with him for a couple of minutes. I would say what a small world at this point, but the Shoals has such a small-town atmosphere that I'm not surprised. Either way, it was very nice to see a friendly face so early in the morning.

I promise I'll get back on track here. Jeremy decided that it was time for him to go on to work so he left me with a kiss on the forehead and a strong hug. Proceed to security check, because Mr. Fults and the other nice TSA person were ready for me now, and begin to board the plane. So, this plane was unbelieveably small. I hadn't been on a plane that small in about a decade. In fact, there was only room for about 12 people on the plane, including the pilot and co-pilot. And, it was a front propellor plane which freaked me out just a little. The pilots were super nice and accomodating, but the plane was so small and I just got too nervous. And so, logically, I turned on my "chill" playlist to shuffle me through my long day of travelling.

The first song that came on was called "Sedated," by one of my new favorite artists, Hozier. At this point my nerves are speaking to me. They're saying "Yeah, I wouldn't really mind being sedated right now..."

The next song on the line up was "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band...and my nerves said to me, "lol @ u."

Coming up next was "Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine. But let's be real, here. The chorus to that song says "they will see s waving from such great heights..." Uhm no, thanks. Not what I wanna hear while the propellor is rattling the entire plane. I said to my nerves, "Can u not?"

Finally, I came to "Sing" by Ed Sheeran, which really did calm my noisy nerves, not because it's a very relaxing song, but because it literally has no implications of being about flying high up in the sky and waving your arms wildly as the smallest commercial plane ever crashes into the ground.

After that, I looked out the window and all I could see were tiny, twinkling gold lights and grey clouds and it was beautiful. My little hopper flight made it to Nashville just fine. In fact, as I drafted this post on my iPhone in the "notes" app, the tiny trusty plane touched down and landed me safely at the Nashville International Airport where I will do this all over again in about 2 hours...maybe on this flight I'll pick a new playlist.